But 12-year-old Joe and his brother, Mitchell, may not understand retaliation. That's because when one boy pushes the other, their father-and society itself-says, "Don't strike back." Richard Alterman, the boys' father, says, "I don't believe that one brother should take revenge upon the other brother, regardless of what happened."

On the news, children everywhere hear that American may retaliate for the terrorist arracks. And yet, we teach our kids that revenge is wrong. "They say, like, 'don't punch, it's bad, it can hurt people.'"

"I think it does require a different level of explanation to children," says clinical psychologist Dr. David Rush. "As far as why are we doing this, and what purpose does it serve, which is different from, 'don't hit your brother.'"

Punching your brother back is the wrong thing to do, but American fighting back may be the right thing to do. How do you explain this to your child? "It's confusing," Richard Alterman says. "And it's complicated."

Psychologists say we teach children to 'turn the other cheek,' but we also teach them that there are consequences for their actions. "Explain to them that sometimes if mom or dad punishes them, that they get punished in different ways, " Dr. Rush says. "And out government punishes people in different ways as well."

"So there should always be consequences," Richard Alterman says. "But revenge is never one of them."

By Tom Atwood
CWK Network

How children respond to the notion of 'retaliation' has actually been studied, with results published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence. In 1993, researchers read stories with examples of retaliation among children to fifty 9-year-old boys and girls. Each story featured one child damaging another child's property either accidentally or intentionally. The stories also described various types of retaliation to the damage-either physical, verbal, or property. Following each story the children were asked to rate the "wrongfulness" of the second child's retaliation. The results:

• Children rated retaliation against an "accidental" act of aggression as more wrong than retaliation against an "intentional" act.
  
• Property damage was judged to be the most wrongful form of retaliation (as opposed to verbal or physical).
  
• Verbal and physical retaliation against younger siblings were regarded as significantly more wrongful than against older siblings and friends.

Researchers concluded, "Children are capable of making subtle discriminations between intentional acts and accidental acts when shaping their responses to perpetrators actions." The study also suggests "children make subtle discriminations between types of retaliation, and their relationship to the perpetrators when shaping their response."

How do we explain retaliation to children in terms of a response to the terrorist attacks in New York and Washington on September 11? Clinical psychologist Dr. David Rush says retaliation is "a common subject for children. They might not discuss it, but they engage in it all the time."

When governments retaliate, "it can be confusing for children," Dr. Rush says, "because we tell children to 'turn the other cheek.'

"But I think you also need to explain to them that we're talking about different types of events that have occurred, and some events call for stronger and more stringent measures. For example, you can explain to them that when they do something wrong, and they are punished, there are different ways you punish children...There are consequences if they hit their sister, and obviously there are consequences if we are attacked by terrorists."

There are groups that say just as we teach our children not to hit back, our government should not hit back, either. The Institute for Peace and Justice (www.ipj-ppj.org) says justice, not retaliation, should be the basis of any response to the terrorist attacks. The Institute suggests parents teach children to "escalate love" in the face of escalating violence. How can children, and all of us, "escalate love?" The Institute for Peace and Justice offers this advice:

• Respect yourself and others. In the face of escalating words of hate, we can escalate our words of kindness toward others.
  
• Communicate better and listen carefully. In the face of escalating anger, we can escalate our willingness to listen non-defensively and acknowledge the deep hurts and fears that underlie a lot of this anger, and not respond in kind.
  
• Forgive. In the face of escalating cries for revenge, we can escalate our willingness to become more forgiving toward anyone with whom we have some issues.
  
• Act courageously. In the face of escalating acts of hate directed at Muslim and Arab people and others, we can escalate our courage and stand by them.

And when talking to children about the terrorist attacks, experts agree that it is important to acknowledge the frightening aspects of what has happened. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, falsely minimizing the danger will not end a child's concerns. Also, the way children see and understand their parents' reaction is very important. Parents should admit their own concerns to their children, and also stress their abilities to cope with the situation.

The American Psychological Association also offers the following advice for parents to help their children cope with traumatic incidents like the attacks in New York and Washington, D.C.:

• Find out what the children's concerns are.
  
• If the children are concerned about their own safety, discuss with them how to be safe. Ask them what they need in order to feel safe. Have your children draw how they feel safe.
  
• Help the children identify how they don't feel safe. Try to find out what they are afraid of, instead of making assumptions.
  
• Limit exposure to media presentations. Young children and pre-teens cannot developmentally understand that kind of information. They need help from parents and teachers to understand.
  

John Templeton Foundation www.templeton.org
American Psychological Association www.apa.org
Dr. David Rush, Clinical Psychologist
Institute for Justice and Peace www.ipj-ppj.org
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry www.aacap.org