Twelve-year-old Kathleen asks her dad about everything, including how to handle a boy's sexual advances.

"I had this one incident," Kathleen says, " where a guy stuck his hands all over me."

Kathleen learned to say 'no.' Not just from her mom, but from her dad, too. "I'm probably more comfortable talking to my dad about it," she says. "Since he's gone through it, since he is one (a male), rather than my mom."

But many fathers have trouble dealing with issues like boys, or their daughter's first kiss. Talking about sex can seem almost overwhelming, so they don't.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, nearly 60% of girls talk to their moms about sex, but less than 10% have the same discussions with dad.

Kathleen's father has learned the silence is more than a missed opportunity.

"It means they really trust you and love you enough to want to talk to you about that as a dad. And you can't pass that off to mom."

Psychologist Dr. Steven Thomas says, "I don't know that dads necessarily bring more to the table, or less to the table than mom does. It's just that the combination of both parents together seems to me is more powerful."

More powerful because dad provides a different perspective that mom can't give.

And when Kathleen had to say 'no' on her own, it was her father's advice she remembered. "I'll remember his voice," she says. "Some of the things he told me."

Few subjects trigger as much parental discomfort as does the subject of sex. Even the most confident parent will likely admit to a trace of anxiety when preparing to initiate a discussion about sex with his or her adolescent. Furthermore, in most families fathers will admit to being less comfortable than are mothers in terms of the style and the content of conversations regarding sex and sexuality. Interestingly enough, a recent study concerning conversations about sex between parents and children published in the Journal of Adolescent Health supports and clarifies many of the perceptions and misconceptions intuitively held by parents for many years.

As noted by the researchers, previous studies have suggested the following ideas:

• Typically, parents begin talking with their children about sex during the children's preteen years. Some parents, however, do not begin these discussions until their children are thirteen, and some parents never discuss sexuality with their children.
• Mothers often assume the primary responsibility for sexual instruction of both their male and female adolescents. Daughters are more often the recipients of sexual instruction than are sons.
• The content of sexual discussions held between parents and their daughters has been classified into three broad categories: [1] the big talk, which deals with the facts about such issues as conception and menstruation, and tend to occur early in adolescence; [2] tea talks, which deal with family values, and [3] social issues, which occur in later adolescence and address such issues as abortion, unwed parenthood and promiscuity.
• The predominant content of conversations with adolescents revolved around sexual issues and related moral views of right and wrong. The authors noted that these later conversations were important in the transmission of values and morals.
• The first sex-related topics typically discussed by mothers and daughters are menstruation and contraception. Other topics discussed between mothers and daughters include dating and boyfriends, sexual morality, conception, and sexual intercourse.
• Children perceive their parents as communicating less about sex than the parents believe they communicated.
• Although parents are a major source of sexual information, peers also play a unique role in the acquisition and transmission of information and values about sexuality. When parents are the major source of sexual information for adolescents, adolescents' sexual behavior is less risky than when friends are the main source of sexual information.

After reviewing some of the results of these previous studies, the authors described the results of their own research. These results included the following:

• As with previous research, female adolescents reported more sex-based discussions with mothers than did male adolescents. The adolescents' reports of discussions were supported by the mothers' reports that a greater percent of mothers of daughters reported talking with their adolescents than did mothers of sons.
• Male adolescents were more likely than female adolescents to discuss sex-based topics with their fathers.
  
• Both male and female adolescents were less likely to discuss sex-based topics with their friends than with their mothers, but more likely to discuss these topics with their friends than their fathers.
• The content of the conversations for male adolescents was fairly consistent regardless of whether the partner for the conversation was a parent or a friend. The most popular topics for their conversations were sexually transmitted disease/acquired immune deficiency syndrome and condom use.
• Female adolescents tended to talk about the menstrual cycle with their mothers, sexual abstinence with their fathers, and sexual intercourse with their friends.
• Adolescents who reported a greater number of topics discussed with their mothers were more likely not to have initiated sexual intercourse and to have conservative values, whereas adolescents who reported a greater number of topics discussed with their friends were more likely to report the initiation of intercourse and more "liberal" sexual values.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry offers a number of suggestions to help mothers or fathers talk with their children about sex. Some of these suggestions include:

• In talking with your child or adolescent about sex, it is important to:
  • Encourage your child to talk and ask questions.
    
  • Maintain a calm and non-critical atmosphere for discussions.
    
  • Use words that are understandable and comfortable.
    
  • Try to determine your child's level of knowledge and understanding.
    
  • Keep your sense of humor and don't be afraid to talk about your own discomfort.
    
  • Relate sex to love, intimacy, caring, and respect for oneself and one's partner.
    
  • Be open in sharing your values and concerns.
    
  • Discuss the importance of responsibility for choices and decisions.
    
  • Help your child to consider the pros and cons of choices.
• It is important to talk about the responsibilities and consequences that come from being sexually active. Pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and feelings about sex are important issues to be discussed. Talking to your children can help them make the decisions that are best for them without feeling pressured to do something before they are ready. Helping children understand that these are decisions that require maturity and responsibility will increase the chance that they make good choices.
• Adolescents are able to talk about lovemaking and sex in terms of dating and relationships. They may need help dealing with the intensity of their own sexual feelings, confusion regarding their sexual identity, and sexual behavior in a relationship. Concerns regarding masturbation, menstruation, contraception, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases are common. Some adolescents also struggle with conflicts around family, religious or cultural values. Open communication and accurate information from parents increases the chance that teens will postpone sex and will use appropriate methods of birth control once they begin.

"Communication about sexual issues: Mothers, fathers, and friends"; Journal of Adolescent Health,
Volume 24, Number 3, March 1999, Pages 181 - 189; Colleen Diiorio, Ph.D., R.N.a, Maureen Kelley, Ph.D., R.N.b*, Marilyn Hockenberry-Eaton, Ph.D., R.N.c, authors
http://www-east.elsevier.com/jah/jah243/jah5352fla.htm

The Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry http://www.aacap.org/publications/factsfam/62.htm