It’s easy to love your kids. It’s much harder to talk with them. Watching the Connect with Kids programs takes the pressure off.

Wednesday, August 6th, 2008

Emily Halevy | CWK Producer

Tessa Cooper spends five days a week, four hours a day after school at gymnastics class.

“By the time I get home, it’s like eight [o’clock] or so,” she says, “and I eat and do my homework and take a shower and talk to my parents about how the day’s gone - and then I go to bed.”

Experts have come up with a solution for kids like Tessa: schedule in free time.

“Almost by definition a ‘schedule of free time’ sounds kind of paradoxical to all of us,” says psychologist Nadine Kaslow, “but I do think planning for free time or for down time is very, very important for children.”

She says along with creative play and spending time with family and friends, free time provides moments away from competition.

“With all these activities and schoolwork, there’s tremendous pressure to perform - often to compete, to excel,” says Kaslow, “and that leisure time and free time doesn’t have those demands.”

On the other hand, she says, some kids don’t handle free time very well. 

That’s something Tessa discovered last year, when she decided to take a break.

“I didn’t like it as much as being in gymnastics, even though I had time,” she remembers.

Experts say let your children choose their after school activities, choose how busy they want to be, but watch for signs of burnout.

“They will tell you, whether it’s through words or tears - or they’ll say, ‘when are we going again,’ or they’ll start screaming when you say it’s time to go,” says Kaslow.

Tips for Parents

Anxiety can also come from being a perfectionist.  Even children who earn high marks at school may be suffering emotional distress and anxiety due to the high expectations they have set for themselves, according to a new study from Smith College.  In a study of 36 children in third through fifth grades, researchers found that children who rated high on perfectionism exhibited significantly more anxiety and dissatisfaction with their performance on computer tasks than their low-perfectionism peers, even when both groups performed equally well.  In fact, the perfectionist kids predicted they would perform less well than the low-perfectionism kids.  Lead researcher Patricia DiBartolo says the problem is not that kids are setting high standards; rather, they become too distressed and are not able to accept the mistakes they make in the course of learning.

“Perfectionistic kids get caught in a vicious cycle.  When approaching a task or project, they feel less able to succeed, get anxious and then evaluate their performance more negatively than their non-perfectionistic peers,” DiBartolo said.

How big of a problem is perfectionism in childhood?  According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, perfectionism is recognized as a “common correlate” of social anxiety disorder.  Nationally, 1% (nearly 400,000) of children between the ages of 10 and 18 suffer from a clinical level of social anxiety disorder.  Counselors at the University of Dundee associate the following negative feelings, thoughts and beliefs with perfectionism:

• Fear of failure:  Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.
• Fear of making mistakes:  Perfectionists often equate mistakes with failure.  In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.
• Fear of disapproval:  If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists often fear that they will no longer be accepted.  Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection and disapproval.
• All-or-none thinking:  Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect.  Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective.  For example, a straight A student who receives a B might believe, “I am a total failure."
• Overemphasis on “shoulds”:  Perfectionists' lives are often structured by an endless list of “shoulds" that serve as rigid rules for how their lives must be led.  With such an overemphasis on shoulds, perfectionists rarely take into account their own wants and desires.
• Believing that others are easily successful:  Perfectionists tend to perceive others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few errors, emotional stress and maximum self-confidence.  At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.

As a parent, how can you determine if your child has problems with perfectionism?  Experts at the University of Texas cite the following guidelines comparing a perfectionist to a healthy striver:

Perfectionist Sets standards beyond reach and reason Is never satisfied by anything less than perfection Becomes dysfunctionally depressed when experiences failure and disappointment Is preoccupied with fear of failure and disapproval, which can deplete energy levels Sees mistakes as evidence of unworthiness Becomes overly defensive when criticized

Healthy Striver Sets high standards but just beyond reach Enjoys process as well as outcome Bounces back from failure and disappointment quickly and with energy Keeps normal anxiety and fear of failure and disapproval within bounds, using them to create energy Sees mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning Reacts positively to helpful criticism

The first step in changing your child’s perfectionistic attitudes to healthy striving is to help him or her realize that perfectionism is undesirable.  The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign suggests teaching your child the following strategies to change the behaviors and thoughts that fuel his or her perfectionism:  

• Set realistic and reachable goals based on your own wants and needs and what you have accomplished in the past.  This step will enable you to achieve and also will lead to a greater sense of self-esteem.
• Set subsequent goals in a sequential manner.  As you reach a goal, set your next goal one level beyond your present level of accomplishment.
• Experiment with your standards for success.  Choose any activity and instead of aiming for 100%, try for 90%, 80% or even 60% success.  This step will help you to realize that the world does not end when you are not perfect.
• Focus on the process of doing an activity not just on the end result.  Evaluate your success not only in terms of what you accomplished but also in terms of how much you enjoyed the task.  Recognize that value exists in the process of pursuing a goal.
• Use feelings of anxiety and depression as opportunities to ask yourself, “Have I set up impossible expectations for myself in this situation?"
• Confront the fears that may be behind your perfectionism by asking yourself, “Of what am I afraid? What is the worst thing that could happen?"
• Recognize that many positive things can only be learned by making mistakes.  When you make a mistake ask, “What can I learn from this experience?"  More specifically, think of a recent mistake you have made and list all the things you can learn from it.

References

• American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
• Smith College
• University of Dundee
• University of Texas
• University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
• Yale University

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